


Random Drabbles and Convos

by LiagibaSiYseehc



Series: The Prime and His Soldier [4]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Don't Judge Me, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Tried, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25068253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiagibaSiYseehc/pseuds/LiagibaSiYseehc
Summary: You read the title.  This is my attempt to create something funny and (hopefully) bring a little joy to your day.  I present to you Random Drabbles and Convos, home of all the plot bunnies of mine that fail to sustain themselves as a full story.
Relationships: Optimus Prime/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The Prime and His Soldier [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652653
Comments: 25
Kudos: 26





	1. The Human Diet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this happened. I'm so sorry for disappearing for so long. Life has been... yeesh, life has been relentless, lemme tell you that. Well, what's important is that I'm back now, and I created... well, _this_ , to make up for the time I've lost. Hope this puts a smile on your face :)

“You are implying that your kind- _actually_ consume sentient creatures in your diet?”

“They’re not… really… _sentient_ ,”

“Yet they are alive. They feel emotion. They feel pain,”

“Weeeeeell-”

“They experience fear as they die,”

“Yes, but-”

“Why would one wish to inflict such cruelty on _living beings_?”

“…because hamburgers are delicious,”

* * *

“Optimus?”

“Yes, Riley?”

“Why do my credit card records say that I’ve bought twenty-seven live chickens in the last two weeks?”

“I do not believe this is the best time to-”

“ _Why_ do my credit card records say that I’ve bought _twenty-seven live chickens_ in the last two weeks?”

“Riley-”

“ _WHY_ do my credit card records say that I’ve bought _TWENTY-SEVEN LIVE CHICKENS_ in the last two weeks, _Optimus_?”

A few days later a young couple looking for some romantic alone time at a meadow near the mountainside stared slack-jawed at the sight of a huge flock of chickens flapping their wings and clucking frantically as they pecked at the grass.

* * *

“Are you certain?”

“Optimus, it’s _fine_ ,”

“I understand this would drastically change your lifestyle,”

“Well, not really. I’ve already gotten used to this sort of life ever since we first got together,”

“I do not wish to force you into such a huge commitment-”

“ _Optimus_. I’m telling you, it’s _totally okay_. Don’t worry about it,”

“Then you agree…?”

“ _Yes_ , Optimus, I will go vegan for you,”

* * *

“Optimus?”

“What is it, Riley?”

“You still owe me money for the chickens,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Optimus encouraging veganism is my new headcanon now. Come at me O.O


	2. Culicidae

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back at it again. My aim is to update this fic once every two to three days due to the shortness of each chapter, but my posting schedule is mainly based on my muse, which is, sadly, extremely unreliable. We'll see what happens, I suppose.

“The generosity of your kind surprise me sometimes,”

“Hmm?”

“You have shared your blood with three insects of the family _Culicidae_ over the past hour,”

“Excuse me?”

“You have shared your blood with three insects of the family _Culicidae_. Such creatures are more commonly known as ‘mosquitoes’,”

“Crap! I’ve been bitten three times? Where’s my insect repellent?”

“It was not your intent to share your blood?”

“Of course not!”

“Yet you allowed them access. You made no attempt to prevent them from obtaining your blood,”

“That’s ‘cause I didn’t _know_ I was being bitten!”

“It is a noble cause,”

“... _What_ is?”

“To share your lifeblood with creatures of another species such that they can nourish their young,”

“I- what? No! I _don’t_ want to share my lifeblood with the mosquitoes. It’s annoying. And itchy. _And_ I could get diseases,”

“Exactly. Despite these risks, you continue to sacrifice your lifeblood to assist these creatures such that they can flourish and propagate,”

“ _No_ , Optimus. Just, _no_ ,”

* * *

“I have acquired a solution to your predicament,”

“…I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about,”

“Your… refusal to assist insects in nourishing their young and your inability to prevent them from taking your blood,”

“ _Look_ , Optimus, I may have become vegan for you, but I’m not about to turn myself into an all-you-can-eat buffet for mosquitoes just because you want- _what_ on earth is _that_?”

“I have asked Ratchet to construct a device which would decrease the probability of you being bitten by insects of the family _Culicidae_ while allowing them to sustain their offspring,”

“…!?”

“The interior of this device contains a fluid which is extremely similar to the composition of your blood plasma, including blood proteins which are essential for the production of mosquito eggs. The surface mimics the epithelial cells composing your skin, which enables the mosquitoes to ‘feed’ on the fluid naturally.

“The device also emits warmth and the scent of a human’s body odour- even more so than an ordinary human being, rendering the device much more attractive to the insects compared to humans,”

“Okay, let me get this straight. So instead of _repelling_ the mosquitoes, like all humans have been doing since the beginning of time, you would like to _attract_ them somewhere else so they won’t bite us?”

“Yes,”

“Because you want them to be able to have babies,”

“To let them propagate and raise their young, yes,”

“I- you really take that ‘Freedom is the right of all sentient beings’ thing seriously, don’t you,”

“Indeed,”

The devices, dubbed ‘Mosquito Baby Makers’ by Riley, were mass-produced and hung all over Diego Garcia. Nobody ever got bitten again. Riley didn’t know whether to feel exasperated or thankful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wouldn't say no to one of those devices in my house~


	3. The Human Diet (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Anjels_Lunares for suggesting this beautiful (read: hilarious) idea! Feel free to drop a comment if you would like to request scenarios as well! :D
> 
> By the way, this chapter won’t make sense if you don’t read [chapter one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25068253/chapters/60719947#workskin) first, so if you haven’t already, please go do that :)

In June, only one person in the whole Diego Garcia base was vegan.

By August, about ten percent of the base was either vegan or vegetarian.

At the beginning of November, that number had nearly doubled.

The number is still growing.

* * *

“ _No_ ,”

“Come on, Jessie, _please_?”

“ _No_ , Riley! I’m not gonna convert!”

“Why not?”

“ _Because_ , I like meat! I like eating cereal with actual milk instead of the sad excuse for milk _you_ use!”

“Hey! Almond milk tastes fine too-”

“ _I don’t care_. It’s not milk, and it’s never going to be. I like eating cheesecake. I like having my pancakes with _real butter_ that melts in my mouth,”

“You… _could_ become vegetarian-”

“ _I like eating steak_. Jerky is the best food in the world. Fish and chips are to die for. You know what? Tell your boyfriend that if he doesn’t like it, then he can come _fight me_ ,”

“…”

“…actually, _no_ , don’t tell him that,”

“Yeah, I thought as much,”

“You know, you’re lucky he even lets you eat,”

“What do you mean?”

“What I’m saying is, it would be _super unfortunate_ if someone were to _accidentally_ tell him that plants are alive too…”

“Don’t. You. _Dare_ ,”

“Stop bothering me, and I won’t,”

“You’re evil, Jessie, you know that? This is blackmail,”

“I told you I would do anything for fish and chips. Now _shoo_ , go bother someone else,”

* * *

“Riley,”

“Hmm?”

“The person currently conversing with Major Lennox,”

“Huh? Oh, he’s the newest technician. He still isn’t cleared to know about the existence of Autobots yet, which is why Major Lennox had asked all of you guys to stick to your alt modes for the time being,”

“I am aware,”

“Okay, so why did you ask-”

“There is a ham sandwich in his backpack,”

“Oh my gosh,”

“I am unable to confront him without revealing my identity,”

“Sorry, can’t help you. I’m asleep. Look, I’m lying in your sleeper and I’m going to fall asleep in three seconds,”

“That is not biologically possible-”

“Ratchet says sleep is important for our health. Are you trying to make me unhealthy, Optimus?”

“It is one o’clock in the afternoon,”

“I can’t hear you cuz I’m asleep,”

“Your vital signs indicate-”

“I’m _asleep_ , Optimus,”

* * *

  
  


“Riley,”

“Oh hey, Optimus, what’s up?”

“I have recently obtained perturbing information pertaining to your current diet,”

“…is it Jessie?”

“Yes,”

“…I’m going to _kill her_ ,”

“It is true then, the sustenance you are consuming are considered lifeforms as well,”

“I thought _you_ were the one with a wireless internet connection,”

“I am, and the information listed is rather concerning,”

“Oh _no_ …”

“Studies have found that fruits and vegetable are alive even as they are ingested,”

“Well-”

“Would it be presumptuous for me to request that you exclude vegetation from your diet as well?”

“What else can I eat, Optimus? I literally cannot eat _anything_ if I don’t eat animal products or plants. I’ll starve to death!”

“I have consulted Ratchet. He informed me that it is possible to infuse all nutrients required by the human body into a solution to be taken orally or via injection,”

“…!”

“The nutrients can be synthesized artificially in the medical bay without altering their effect on the human body,”

“Optimus-”

“With this method of nutrition, the nutrient intake can be adjusted daily according to your specific body requirements, allowing a more efficient and comprehensive ingestion process,”

“ _No_ ,”

“Riley…”

“ _No, no no_! I don’t care what you say. You’re not taking away _eating_ from me,”

“ _Light-of-my-spark_ …”

“Oh no no _no_ , don’t you dare start with the Cybertronian, you know I can’t say no when you- _stop looking at me like that, dangit_!”

“ _Beautiful-precious-perfect-kind_ -”

“Okay- okay, let’s compromise. Can we compromise, Optimus?”

“Very well,”

* * *

“Hey, you’re the new kid, right?”

“Y- yeah?”

“Hi, I’m Riley. I’m one of the soldiers stationed here,”

“Um, hello. It’s nice. To meet you,”

“Yeah, okay, this may seem weird, but do you mind… not eating meat when you’re in this base?”

“I- I’m sorry?”

“How do I explain this? Ehm, so I’m a vegan, and- wait don’t _run away_! I’m really friendly, I promise- ugh he’s gone,”

* * *

“Stop laughing,”

“I am not laughing,”

“Yes, you are. You’re ‘silent-laughing’. I can feel the vibrations through my seat,”

“…”

“…I’m getting myself a fruit salad,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The insanity continues... :D
> 
> Bonus dialogue in the comments section! :)


End file.
